Ask a Mate gives voice to a silent struggle
Have you ever felt really awkward about asking for advice, because you didn’t want anyone to think there was something wrong with your brain or your body or character?
Double down on that decision discomfort and you’ll know what it’s like to be a teenage boy.
The transition from boyhood through adolescence is a complex landscape, marked by rapid physical, emotional, and social changes. Navigating this terrain can be challenging, especially the societal expectations around masculinity that can inadvertently silence their voices and hinder their ability or willingness to seek and discern helpful advice.
This Domestic and Family Violence Awareness Month, let’s try to understand how these communication struggles at a critical developmental stage often contribute to harmful behaviours later in life… or could be helped from now on.
What do we know about teenage boys’ communication?
Research consistently highlights the difficulties boys face in expressing their emotions and vulnerabilities. Traditional masculine norms often discourage displays of feelings other than aggression, so boys tend to internalise stress, confusion, and hurt.
Youth mental health clinicians in Victoria published a study in the Journal of Adolescent Health, which found that boys are less likely than girls to seek help for mental health concerns, often due to fears of appearing weak or unmanly.
The research also found that many adolescent boys and young adult men “report difficulties in emotion-based disclosures typically demanded by standard talk-based psychotherapies”. Such reluctance or inability to communicate openly can have significant impacts on their well-being, relationships, and their confidence to deal with conflict, fears or abuse.
The pervasive “tough guy” stereotype perpetuated by movies and social media often equates emotional expression with weakness, pushing boys towards stoicism and self-reliance, even when they desperately need support.
They might hear phrases like “man up” or “only babies cry,” which subtly but powerfully discourage them from articulating their fears, anxieties, or experiences of being hurt.
The role of 24/7 technology
The digital age presents a double-edged sword. While creating connections, it also exposes boys to a barrage of often contradictory and sometimes harmful advice.
The Journal of Adolescent Health article referenced previous studies which indicated young men prefer to access help through technology-based mediums. However, discerning credible and healthy advice from misinformation online is a significant hurdle for many young minds still developing their critical thinking skills.
Social media influencers, online communities, and even well-intentioned but misinformed peers can offer guidance that is not only unhelpful but actively detrimental, particularly about relationships, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation.
Australia’s eSafety Commissioner published a report on the online behaviours and experiences of our first digital native generation of teens. While the research didn’t find significant differences between genders, the report did reveal that boys are less inclined to:
- make “face contact” via video or image-sharing apps
- ask a parent/carer for online safety advice
- want information about counselling services
- obtain consent before sharing photos or details about people online
- stand up for others who are bullied online
No voice to avoid violence
University of the Sunshine Coast researchers investigating adolescents’ help-seeking intentions found that while there’s no gender difference in the intentions, “More female adolescents sought help for a psychosocial problem compared to male adolescents, but more male adolescents were observed to have experienced a psychosocial problem compared to female adolescents.”
To me, this speaks of a silent struggle to take that scary step from wanting and needing help to actually seeking it.
The consequences of these communication barriers are far-reaching. Boys who struggle to express their emotions may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, including aggression or withdrawal. They might find it difficult to build healthy, respectful relationships based on open communication and mutual understanding.
In the context of domestic and family violence, this silence can be particularly dangerous. Boys who are experiencing or witnessing abuse may feel unable to speak out, and those struggling with anger or controlling behaviours may lack the communication skills to address these feelings constructively.
An innovative app(roach) has arrived
Against this backdrop, Beyond DV’s new “Ask a Mate” app has emerged as the sound of hope. Responding to the communication preferences of adolescent boys, this app offers a safe, accessible, and peer-focused platform where they can seek guidance on a whole range of issues.
The charity’s founder, Carolyn Robinson, surveyed boys at different high schools to gather hundreds of questions about what concerned them. They also suggested high-profile male role models they’d like to hear the answers from.
The “Ask a Mate” app cleverly leverages the power of peer support and digital connection, but with access to vetted information and pathways to professional help when needed.
It’s a space where boys-becoming-men feel comfortable asking questions without fear of judgment. It breaks down the stigma around seeking support and empowers them to develop healthier communication habits.
It acknowledges that boys often turn to their mates first, and seeks to equip those mates with the resources and information to offer helpful and sound advice.
Importantly, this collaborative “Ask a Mate” initiative recognises that changing deeply ingrained societal norms takes time and multifaceted solutions. By meeting boys where they are – in their digital spaces and within their peer networks – the “Ask a Mate” app offers a practical tool to open up communication, promote healthy relationship behaviours, and ultimately contribute to a safer community for everyone.
During Domestic and Family Violence Awareness Month, let’s amplify the effect by sharing its existence with your sons, grandsons, younger brothers, nephews, neighbours and mates.
This post is about personal communication. If you feel your business communication skills could use some help, book a complimentary, unconditional Communication Coaching Clarity Call.